garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
false alarm, still single
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize