Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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