i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
how drunk are you?
Several
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
