it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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