when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
