why didn't you poke me back
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Welp...herpes.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
