woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize