i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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