hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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