I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
