Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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