dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
