cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Randomize
