her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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