Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
