Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
