i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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