I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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