The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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