Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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