my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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