#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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