So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
