it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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