He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
