Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize