so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
