You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't turn off my feet"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
