I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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