I checked into jail on foursquare
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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