Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
