seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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