sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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