woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize