JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
