I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
