I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
