a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
