I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
