so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
