she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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