I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
