put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
