youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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