She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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