Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
