I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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