it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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