I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
