First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
