Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize