i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
