Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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