ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize