You smell like stripper and shame
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
as a side note pls kill me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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