He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize