Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
