Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
