I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Less talking, more tequila
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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