And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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