Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
