ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
