i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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