he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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