my vag is so smooth its legendary
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
