she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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