I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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